Apathy (12/6/11)

I really, truly despise the way I feel today. It happens at times…the feeling just crawls up and over me and leaves me feeling “blah”. It’s that feeling of nostalgia mixed in with apathy, regret, fear, dread and sadness. When I feel like this I seem to focus on the negative and cling on the thought of how short life is. I question the decisions I’ve made and even wonder why I’ve opened my heart up knowing that the future holds inevitable loss and suffering. Perhaps this loss and suffering may not be in the near future, but it will happen at some point in my future. And that point is what I am dreading. Again, this is a phase I go through every once in a while. I have no clue what actually triggers it. Maybe it’s an accumulation of fears in the back of my mind that spring forth like an unstoppable leak, or maybe it’s just a song or something on the radio that gets me going. Either way, it’s always worse this time of year. I am plagued by depression accompanied by a severe case of SAD so it throws my whole mood spectrum into a whirlwind. I also feel like it may be something hormonal this time around. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and my periods have been pretty much non-existent the past year. I kind of feel like I may be starting my period, but I’m not sure. Either way, my hormones are definitely out of whack right now and I think my hormones are a big part of that. I’ve been mope-y, tired, emotional, etc for a little while now. My body just needs to start this freakin’ period already so I can move on with my life and try to be happy again. Good luck with that, right? Off for now! ~Miss A