December is for Cynics

Man, am I grumpy today! I’m seriously getting fed up with this day. Everyone and everything is getting on my nerves. I’m getting ready to clean off my bitch slapper and take care of business. Maybe I’m just hormonal, or maybe the full moon is affecting me. Either way I’m about ready to blow and someone is going to be on the receiving end of my wrath. Right now it looks like Ellen* is going to be the one to get it. She keeps annoying the living shit out of me and I’m ready to throw a book at her head. She started on me yesterday asking about my sex life. She wanted to know when Bob and I have sex since we don’t live together. How often we do it. How we do it (I mean, we’re both fluffy, but fuck, as long as point a meets point b, who cares?!), etc. Embarrassed to be asked these questions by a perverted old lady in her 60’s, I finally walked out. Thankfully my work day was already over so I could escape without having to make up an excuse.

Today she saw us holding hands in the cafeteria and she was making snide comments about it. She does these little things that just piss me off and make me want to slap the living fuck out of her. It’s not wonder she’s been married 3 different times and doesn’t have a boyfriend. No one can deal with her dumb ass. All she does it make nasty comments about sex, show off her wrinkly body by lifting up her shirt and clothes, and ask about everyone’s sex lives. Every time she comes near my area I want to scream at her and tell her to back off before I smack her. *Sigh*. If only.

On another note, thankfully it’s Friday. Christmas is coming up, and there are more financial worries due to it. I hate having to worry about money already. I can’t get another job because of the fibromyalgia pain, but it’s hard making ends meet, too. I need to just hit the lotto already! I’ve decided that this year I’m not going to buy everyone super expensive gifts. I’ll do extra for my mom, since I’m the only one that bothers to do anything for her, but that’s it. The holidays shouldn’t be about “gimme gimme gimme” anyway. I think people lose sight of that so quickly. To be honest, I would be fine if I didn’t receive a single gift. I like giving and rather than receiving, but know I spend beyond my means. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have a credit card or it would be maxed out! This year I’m giving a small gift as a sign of my appreciation to the people I care about and the rest will get a “thinking of you card”. Seriously.


Tomorrow is the Christmas light’s parade in my town. Hopefully it will cheer me up and help bring me out of this funk I’ve fallen into. I will also be helping with a food drive for the homeless early in the day. I seriously need to give more to charity. I remember reading an article one time about how a father was teaching his child to give 10% of her income to charity, 30% into savings, and the rest should be living expenses so as not to live beyond one’s means. I think I need to adopt that lifestyle. Maybe I’ll do that in the New Year, even if I hate making resolutions. I can be so much more philanthropic but choose not to out of sheer laziness.

Ok, I guess I’ll sign off for now. I’m almost out of work and I need to go and buy stuff to make bake sale items for tomorrow’s fundraiser. Joy. ~Miss A

Apathy (12/6/11)

I really, truly despise the way I feel today. It happens at times…the feeling just crawls up and over me and leaves me feeling “blah”. It’s that feeling of nostalgia mixed in with apathy, regret, fear, dread and sadness. When I feel like this I seem to focus on the negative and cling on the thought of how short life is. I question the decisions I’ve made and even wonder why I’ve opened my heart up knowing that the future holds inevitable loss and suffering. Perhaps this loss and suffering may not be in the near future, but it will happen at some point in my future. And that point is what I am dreading. Again, this is a phase I go through every once in a while. I have no clue what actually triggers it. Maybe it’s an accumulation of fears in the back of my mind that spring forth like an unstoppable leak, or maybe it’s just a song or something on the radio that gets me going. Either way, it’s always worse this time of year. I am plagued by depression accompanied by a severe case of SAD so it throws my whole mood spectrum into a whirlwind. I also feel like it may be something hormonal this time around. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and my periods have been pretty much non-existent the past year. I kind of feel like I may be starting my period, but I’m not sure. Either way, my hormones are definitely out of whack right now and I think my hormones are a big part of that. I’ve been mope-y, tired, emotional, etc for a little while now. My body just needs to start this freakin’ period already so I can move on with my life and try to be happy again. Good luck with that, right? Off for now! ~Miss A