Fast Forward!!!!!

Here we are, more than a year later and I’m still rotting in my misery at this job. I stopped looking for a while, hoping things would get better. And they did. But once again, it seems like it all goes to hell in the late summer and early fall. Maybe it’s because it’s performance review time. Or maybe it’s because the she-devil goes into her yearly PMS. Either way, this year was worse than the last. I’ve been written up multiple times and am currently at loss of good standings. Which means (for those that don’t know), if I take one step out of line, my ass is on the next freight train headed straight for the unemployment line. I’m definitely keeping my nose clean. The write ups were totally uncalled for, too. I got written up once for taking a 15 minute break to the lab, but apparently the Line Backer (as I’ve been calling her due to her size and manly stature) considered it “abandoning my post”, even though Lisa (name changed to protect my ass, basically), did the exact same thing a week later with no consequences whatsoever. Due to all this, I’ve been keeping a handy little “Rat’s” notebook. Every time someone has a visitor, or does something they shouldn’t be doing, I’m writing it down so I can use it as proof if the shit hits the fan. Or rather, WHEN it hits the fan. I also got written up for being out of work for a week due to pneumonia at Easter. Some bullshit about calling in adjoining a holiday (which I had -3- doctor's excuses for!) I also go written up for being one minute late several times. Yet Janice (another girl), comes into work between 8:05-8:10 most mornings and has never been written up or yelled at since she's the office kiss ass. The linebacker has it in for me, that's for sure!

On a slightly brighter note, I’ve actually moved up in the world of job searching and gotten a few interviews here and there. Nothing has come of any of them, but it’s worth a try. I’d rather know I’m trying rather than sitting on my ass and letting the world beat down on me. Someday, something good will come out of it all. I predict it will all be much more difficult now that the holidays are upon us, but once they pass I’m going back at it, head on. I won’t get anywhere in the world if I don’t try to make myself into something that can pass as a half way successful human specimen. My job title also changed late last year and I got a slightly higher raise, so now I'm making $13.50 an hour. It definitely helps a lot, and has also kept me working where I'm at since it's definitely a decent pay rate for my tiny little town. in my area, the poverty rate is well above the national average. A job that pays this amount around here is a golden opportunity that I've clung on to.

Coming up in the next year will be my wedding as well. And I’m –totally- not prepared (financially, anyway). Emotionally, I'm absolutely ready for it. I'm in love with this person and have been for ten years. Bob* is as happy as a 2 peckered goat (his saying, not mine), but I worry about money. A lot. He’s on full disability and has a steady income (though meager), coming in monthly. He worries about not being able to support me. I don't see it that way. I see it as trying to keep each other up and support each other. My money is his money. Neither partner is better than the other based off of income. Period.

I have my lowly paycheck coming in as well, but that’s it. We need to save for a small wedding, down payment on a place, even if just a rental, furniture, appliances, etc. And it needs to be done in less than a year. I also help my mom out a lot (who is also disabled, schizophrenia) , and it just seems like I love paycheck to paycheck. I’m literally scraping together coins to make sure I have some cash in my pocket. Coinstar has become one of my best friends since we finally got one at our rural little Wal-Mart about a year ago. I have absolutely -no- emergency fund sent aside, and zero in savings at the moment. I know, I'm bad off. And I'm worried about it. What if my car breaks down? Or something major related to my health comes up? When I had pneumonia, I had to take 3 days off without pay since I did not have enough paid time off accrued, and it was horrible. I live paycheck to paycheck, but I am the American norm in that aspect.

Earlier this year I attempted getting a second job, but I’m just not as young as I freakin’ use to be. I can’t work 7 days a week, take classes, and still function in my full time job like I could do 6 years ago. I had to quit because I couldn't handle to physical aspects of it. I’ve worn down my body a lot by working up to 3 jobs at once in the past. I’m also suffering from fibromyalgia now (which was the reason I was getting labs done the day I got written up), so I’m always low on energy and my joints constantly hurt. I feel like the tin man in need of some major oil. I feel like I’m inside a 60 year olds body on most days. I’m suppose to go see a rheumatologist next month sometime, so hopefully I can get on some meds to help alleviate the symptoms. NOT pain meds, since I'm completely against that stuff for myself. I can function without them. Right now, I’m just on the usual: antidepressant (a higher level because I became suicidal again), thyroid meds, and now a blood pressure medication. I guess having a blood pressure reading of 157/111 isn’t good for you when you’re only 27. My job is primarily to blame.

So what’s the purpose of me writing a blog? Well, one reason is to vent. I don’t care if no one reads all of this. It gives me the opportunity to write out my feelings and get them out in the open instead of letting them build up inside until I blow up. The other reason is to help. Maybe someone out there is reading this blog and going through all of the same things (or something similar). And if so, you’re not alone. That’s something that I need to remind myself of all the time. No matter what hardship, bull crap, or drama I’m going through, I’m not alone. And it makes all the difference in the world to know that.